Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
