planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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