woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
