so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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