dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
