He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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