Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
