Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
