I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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