I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
