My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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