My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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