you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
