the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
