Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
