Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
