Drunk walkin through police station. America
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
