i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize