so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize