Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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