if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
