You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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