I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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