I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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