Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
