is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
