I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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