I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
