Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
