From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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