totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
