I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
