I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
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