i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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