girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize