I accidentally burped into my bong.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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