Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
