my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
