If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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