All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
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