i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
