Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
