if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
