my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
