when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
