He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
