Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
