I am full of burrito and curiosity
two words...techno handjob
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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