I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
