You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
How's work?
Spinning.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Randomize
