We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
