i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
