do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize