evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
